Making it that far proved to be the hard part.
What can I say about SOM 20---Bar Golf? It was a fantastic night replete with drunken debauchery of the highest order. Non sober fights. Check. Getting cut off. Yep. Being attacked by a cactus. You bet. Hardcore grafitti pics. No doubt.
Did I have a fantastic time? Hell yes. Do I remember alot of it? No, not really.
Who won? That was the big question coming out of the night. Everybody wanted to know how it all shook out. Alot was on the line. The Big Three were seperated by mere points. With DJ Darkhorse slipping it was looking like the winner would be decided by Jantz, Bing or myself. For the second straight competition the Darkhorse was going to have his GF fill in for him, given the fact that he was going to have to go sling some food midway through the crawl. In actuality this scenario would have worked out better given the fact that Nikki could probably drink Ant under the table given the chance. Jantz was also going to have his GF sub in for him for the front nine while he hustled back from fire academy. That left myself and the Bing, as well as neophyte contestant Sean, to try and start strong as well as finish strong. The game was kicked off at 5 PM on July 11, exactly one week after we had raged at Bing's place for the fourth of July. Our livers still in recovery mode when the first drink of the competition hit our lips. Sean and I tee'd off with a beer and a shot. Bing was nowhere to be found. Hole 2 came and went and still no Bing. The Darkhorse had decided to drink a couple beers before he left for work so that he wouldn't be too far behind, as he was planning on coming out after work to meet up.
The rules were set that each hole was a beer or a shot basically. That kept you at par. Any drink after that would knock you under par (given the strength of the drink you could go from one stroke all the way up to 4 strokes off). If you missed a hole, that would be a bogie. Miss a consecutive hole and that would double it. You miss three holes in a row, you would find yourself at +5.
Drinks varied from shots, beers, mixed drinks (vodka soda, etc) at -1 to a shot of 151 for a -4. Penalties included water hazard +1 (spilling a drink) to bitch hazards +1 (ordering water or a foo foo drink) to eating +3. You get kicked out or cut off +1.
Going into the challenge only three men (and only two actually competing) poured the first drink and toasted the first tee shot...the Darkhorse, the Bayhorse and zVirus. Sean had begged his way in as a celebrity contestant and ended up making a strong showing, besting five of the six competitors. Anthony had to leave for work so he had a beer and left. The Bingaman called in on his way back from work and took a shot via cellphone so that he wouldn't fall too behind on hole 3. When he finally showed, Sean and I were sitting strong at par and leading the rest of the idiots by a pretty big margin. Jantz was the mystery of the front nine. Originally he had planned on doing the substitute GF thing and having Jess stand in for him while he rushed home from fire academy. Four holes in and still no sign of Jess, which led us to believe one of two things. She balked on the idea of hammering down drinks with a bunch of her fiance's alcoholic friends opting instead to go shopping for shoes or something just as girl or Jantz disallowed her last minute to step in for him fearing that we would realize that his girlfriend was more of a man than he was and could drink him under the table. Either way it was a disgraceful start for the ill working Machine.
AFTER NINE HOLES
Sean leads the group with -6 and is on his way to being thoroughly shit faced
Bing after showing up late rallies and sits at -5. No food is his belly though which foreshadows major problems down the line
Zach chugs steadily along at -4 looking the soberest (if that's a word, which its not) out of the group
Ant is way behind at +24
Jantz, Pete and Rudy are all no shows and find themselves +52
Hole 10--Longboards
I can tell you honestly that the caddies were instrumental in this challenge and no caddie was better than the one and only Shitbird herself--Rachael Torresdal. From this point on everything became a blur. Sean sitting at -6 meant that he had 9 drinks for each hole plus 6 more to put him at six under. We timed each hole at the house at right around 15 minutes which meant we were looking at 15 drinks in just over 2 hours. Nothing deadly but once the drinks started checking in, we started checking out. This is when the caddies came up big. Sean's caddie Timbo was our time keeper and made sure we didn't spend too much time in each bar. Bing had Alex watching over him and given the fact that she bartended at Longboards this meant the sky was the limit when it came to what we were able to order and put down at the bar. Moves needed to be made and both Bing and I pushed forward birdying the hole while Sean stayed at even par. Do I remember what we had or what transpired at this bar? I can honestly say no.
Hole 11--Brewleys
The newest bar down in PB, it's a beer and wine Irish joint that is desperately trying to make itself look like a authentic, seedy hole in the wall bar, but comes off feeling like a green and orange hallway with barstools. I'm pretty sure we had some sort of dark beer and while Bing and I stayed at even par, Sean somehow birdied it. And then guess who finally decides to show up? That's right, the Machine and his fiance make an appearance. Jantz, dehydrated and worn out from dragging firehouses around the desert, has a couple beers and along with his gigantic oversized golf hat trims his score from +52 to +51. After this everything gets real sloppy.
Hole 12--Tavern
Being ID'd at the front this exchange happens....
Bouncer (to Bing, who has yet to have any food and his considerably drunk): Sorry pal, you're not getting in.
Me (in line next behind Bing as I'm allowed into the bar because I can handle my drink): Thanks, oh and this guy behind me (pointing at Sean) yeah he's done too.
Bouncer (to Sean): Yeah, you can't come in either.
Ha! Sean loses his mind because A.) he probably could have faked his way in, hiding his drunkeness and B.) he now gets a kick out penalty for not making in.
The greatest thing though is that he had no idea until the next day when Rach told me I did this and I told him how it all went down. Classic.
So, I start doing work inside of Tavern with Jantz going -8 and taking the lead while Bing and Sean head up to the next bar to wait falling into a tie for second place at -4.
Hole 13 Freds Mexican Cafe
When the crew reunites we find Bingaman elbows deep in a burrito plate housing down chips and salsa like he was just released from fat camp a day early. So compound the kickout penalty with a food penalty and Bingaman pretty much took himself out of the competition. Probably a good call though given the fact that he was on a fast track to detox before he ate. He fades to even and Sean stays at even par to continue on at -4. This is when the MVP of caddies comes up big. Rach slaps a chip from my hand as I drunkenly attempt to feed myself which saved me 4 strokes and then if that wasn't enough when we get cut off (which come on was just a matter of time) she goes to the other side of the bar and orders a drink for me from a cocktail waitress that was in the dark about our lack of drinking privileges. The bar manager, who had previously announced that anyone wearing golf attire was no longer allowed to drink, lost her (tiny) mind when she saw our golf gloved cladded hands gripping fresh drinks. Its safe to say we're not welcome back at Fred's anytime soon. It was during this hole that Bing disappeared and did not make a comeback until hole 16 at 710.
Hole 14 Bubs
No more Bingaman
No more Jantz
Pete and Rudy are no where to be found
But enter stage left the Darkhorse back from his job!
So amongst the peanut shells and pitchers Sean Ant and I rage on doing work. I somehow go from -8 to -10 and I can take none of the glory here. It all revolved around Rach and her dedication to me winning. Like Phil Mickleson's hot wife who supports him tournament after tournament, Rach was right by my side, making sure that I had a vodka tonic in one hand and that I finished it before time was up. I was there in body but my mind had gone on to another place hours before. Some people call it blacking out...I like to think of it as time traveling.
Hole 15 Cass Street
Along the walk somehow Houser was attacked by a stationary plant. I now it sounds impossible but a cactus jumped out of an alley, flashed Houser, called her a dirty name and then proceeded to stab her with a sharp barb. At least this is how I remember it happening. It could be possible that she drunkenly fell into a cactus but I don't know. That's sounds a little far fetched. Cass Street was the last bar that Sean made it to. The bartender actually really enjoyed our little bar crawl and this is when the girls started drinking heavily. I know this because the fantastic leaderboard that they had so meticuloulsy kept started looking like a kindergarteners scribble sheet.
Hole 16 710
The caddies are drunk! We stumble into 710 and are greeted by the reality that it is karoake night. Ant throws down a spot on rendition of Young MC's Bust a Move. And then the ladies take the stage and what follows can only be described as karoake gold. Nancy Sinatra's These Boots are Made for Walkin followed by B Spears Hit Me Baby One More Time and I can happily report that yes, we have it all on video. Every dreadful tone deaf sloppy moment of it. At this point in time, after the disappearance of Sean I am the only competitor that has had at least one drink at every hole.
Hole 17 Open Bar
We skip it. We decide instead to wander through a poorly lit alley to take graffiti pictures, pictures beside dumpsters while flexing, pictures hugging electric poles, etc. I decide it would be a good idea to lay down. I'm sure a bum had thrown up/pissed on the spot I decided to nap but that's neither here nor there.
Hole 18 Miller's
We made it! Ant, myself and the long lost Bingaman make our way upstairs, order a drink and toast the fact that nobody went to jail, died, fought, lost a limb or suffered any other life altering malady over the course of 18 holes of bar golf. Looking back on pictures that I don't remember being taken I think to myself that drunk Zach (who I lovingly refer to as Lucky Stabone) looks surprisingly good.
HOW IT ALL SHOOK OUT IN THE END
Zach -10 (28 cocktails) won the competition and was the man who successfully had a drink at every single hole
Sean +1 (22 cocktails) a strong start but it ended up coming back to bite him in the ass as he faded in the end
Bingaman +10 (22 cocktails) no food and his disappearing act put him too far back to make a push at the end
Ant +20 (8 cocktails) he did his best to finish strong coming back from +25 but the hole proved too deep
Jantz +64 (5 cocktails) weak weak weak weak...he had a sweet hat though
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